Mom; Part Three

Here is the final portion of Mom's Cancer story.  This is the speech that I presented for Lung Force - a campaign started on May 12th by the American Lung Association to bring awareness, recognition, and support to Lung Disease.  I've made a few tweaks, but hope you'll appreciate the message. 

I hope this goes without saying, but please recognize how difficult it was for me to write and then publicize this.  Any harsh words or criticism will be removed to protect my family and I.  

You can find Part One here and Part Two here. 

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On Friday, September 7^th, I went home to pick-up Mom and take her for a chemo treatment at the hospital, but something didn’t seem right.  She was still in bed, seeming to be in more pain than before, and wasn’t dressed and ready to go.  This was the first time in her treatment that she wasn’t dressed, ready, and waiting for me when I arrived.  After a few minutes with mom, I had some concerns and called my go-to for medical advice,  my husband Kevin, we discussed the weakness in her grip and speech patterns and decided that a trip to the Emergency Room was in order.  I’ve never been so sad to be right in my whole life, Mom had suffered a stroke sometime that day.  The next three days were filled with tests, information that there were even more tumors than previously, and a transfer to intensive care.  We spent my dad’s 60^th birthday in the hospital, and possibly the hardest phone call my dad has ever had to make to the Red Cross.  The Red Cross was our lifeline to the Army, to contact my brother who during Mom’s hospital stay was training in Georgia. 

Just 5 days after she walked into the hospital, my little brother finally made it home, and she was discharged via ambulance to come home on hospice.  We had another 7 days with mom at home, and filled her days with friends, family, and books – the things she knew and loved.  I’ve said for a lot of years that when I “grew up” I wanted to have friends like my parents – this was only cemented after these two weeks.  Friends would stop by, with beer, muffins, or just to say hi.  They would sit for hours, in her bedroom, in the kitchen, or playing outside with the dog.  My mom’s amazing brothers & dad came every single day to visit, give us a chance to nap, and help in any way they could.  I’ve never been brought to tears by food, but when the “Bookheimer men” showed up with lasagna and a 6-pack, I couldn’t even find the words to say thank-you.  After 7 days at home, mom was “on hospice”, but still clearly in charge.  She couldn’t find all the words, but found a way to tell us she wanted to go downstairs.  She wasn’t strong enough to do the stairs on her own, so Kevin, Chris, & Dad carried her down, cheerleader style.  She relaxed in the kitchen with us while we ate dinner and then napped in the living room while we watched tv before bed.  We made one more trip back upstairs before bed & could tell she was exhausted, but happy.  All it took was a trip downstairs and an evening with her family for her to truly relax.  The next day, Wednesday, September 19^th, just 13 months after being diagnosed with cancer, we lost my mom’s battle with Lung Cancer.  

My mom was a fighter through and through – I am blessed with her ability to find the positive in any situation, organize my way through anything life may throw at me, and am a solution seeker.  These skills and my love for my mom, have brought me to where I am today.  I was so unsure of many things when we lost her, but one thing I am confident about is my ability to help others.  I began my journey with the American Lung Association in October of 2012 – just a few weeks after my mom’s passing.  I needed to do SOMETHING – and the Fight for Air Climb gave me something to put my energy into, something to fundraise for, and an event to attend with my family, friends & supporters.  I’ve participated in other “non-profit” events, but the combination of the ALA’s specific goal and cause, combined with their obvious love and dedication to this cause is what continues to bring me back time and time again.  In the 20 months I’ve participated in the American Lung Assn events, Team Little Debbie has participated in 3 Fight for Air Climbs in Eastern PA and raised more than $10,000 in the fight against lung disease.  My goal continues to be twofold – first to keep the memory of my mom and her legacy alive every day.  Second, to do all I can to help find a cure for these diseases – so no son or daughter should face this kind of hurt again.  

How Are You So Strong?

Today, for the first time - I heard a friend use the word hospice with regard to his own parent's care.  A friend younger than me, someone who supported me during my own loss is now experiencing the same grief I did just 17 months ago. 

And as I asked about his parent's wants, needs, and wishes - I realized I had no idea what to do or say.  Me - who has just been there so very recently was completely incapable of doing ANYTHING.  Because really, it won't matter what I do or say - he will bury his father decades earlier than he should.  He will miss important moments and little ones, and there will be more "I wishes" than he could imagine in the days, weeks, and years to come.  There are thousands of things I wish I could do - but I'm going to do those that I would have most appreciated myself when I was in the same place.

I'm going to tackle the silly work related projects, because those are the things he doesn't need to worry about.  I'm going to fill his own freezer with things that can be microwaved - for the nights that making real food is just too hard.  I'll text him every day just to say hi - not to ask questions or need answers, just so he knows I care.  And I'll try to keep it together, at least in front of him. 

For those of you that supported me, thank you once again.  I'm not really sure that I comprehended how difficult this journey is when you are the one doing the supporting.  I am still at a loss for words some days and I know I'll never truly repay all the favors I owe - but I am here, in any way and every way you could ever need.

A Legacy... 1.22.02

I feel as though I think more about the legacy I want to leave behind than some people may.  The incredible people that have left my life in the last 5 years had a large influence on this focus in my life - thanks to their lessons, guidance, and own legacies.  I think my Mom left a pretty fantastic legacy behind with Christopher and I, her immediate and extended families, and the incredible contingent of friends she developed in 60 years.   So.. what is exactly is a legacy, and how do I develop my own?

According to Merriam-Webster, the (secondary) definition of legacy is:

  "something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past <the legacy of the ancient philosophers>"

I'm pretty much lost on developing my own - my current goals are developing a strong grouping of friends; preferably a diverse one, often referring back to my parents' "unit" for inspiration, motivation, and a reminder of why these people are so important every day. On another legacy related note, I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about an important person over the last few days.  

Twelve years ago today, the world lost a mother, wife, and sister - Lynn Kochka.  I have developed a wonderful friendship with all three of Kochka siblings (her children) over the last 4 years; Kevin, Tara, and Carolyn.  The legacy that Lynn left behind is one that affects my own view of "what I'll leave behind" on a frequent basis.  The morals and values she developed in her kids are the same as my own mom's (and dad's). I see/feel so many similarities in how we were raised - both in the physical (Worcester Connection), the emotional, and so much more.  

Lynn is a woman I would have loved to have met - and maybe I did.  Who knows if on a Harvest Day Saturday she was with the kids at Merrymead and we bumped into each other in the pumpkin corral?  But - one of the things about Lynn's legacy that most touches me is that twelve years after her passing, it brings me to tears as I try to express my admiration for her, my support for her children, and the connection I feel to a woman gone too soon.  I visit Lynn often - she is with my own mom at Central Schwenkfelder - and while I don't "hear" her the way I hear my own mom, I've filled her in on the engagement story of Erin & Kevin, their wedding planning journey, and when I might want to smack her son and future daughter in law upside the head (I mean that in the most loving way possible guys).  

In less words - I hope that my someday legacy is felt by friends of friends, friends of my someday kids, and those that only know me by association.  Lynn C Kochka - you have raised three humble, brave, and compassionate children.  I hope that you know, hear, and see how they strive to make you proud, share stories of your life together, and begin to pass on your family values as they begin their own families.  

Lynn C Kochka      6.16.56 - 1.22.02